Hi Guys & Girls,
August 5th. That was the last time I wrote anything for this site. Its funny ’cause nothing much has changed since then but at the same time, everything has.
In the past I’ve been in blogger twitter chats that discuss whether you sugar coat posts, I always said I did because “Who wants to read how many times I’ve been for a shit today?”… incidentally 5 times today – fucking stomach issues!
Just to clarify, when I say I have sugar coated, none of my posts have been fabricated. I’ve just left out the mundane shit (genuinely no pun intended), like toilet breaks, supermarket trips (which is pretty much every other day), worrying about money or annoying PPI calls.
But this post is a bit different, this one is a bit more raw…. 2016 was the year of the celebrity death. Sure, I was upset when Muhammad Ali passed or when Bowie passed. But one death hit me harder than any. On September 13th 2016, my mother (aged 49) passed away.
Since that day, I haven’t been able to write anything (apart from a superhero side project that is purely for me – no that will not be available on this site, if anyone wants to know). I haven’t been able to commit to exercise. Hell my favourite past time besides my kids was Mixed Martial Arts and I genuinely can’t tell you what was the last fight I watched.
Death is a funny thing. Especially when it’s sudden. In some respects the awful feeling of everything being ripped from under you is cathartic, let’s you know that your still alive I suppose. Sure, it didn’t feel that way at first, and I hate myself for this, but at the end after 12 hours of watching her life draining from her, I willed it to be over.
The thing is, I’m sure you know, that the funeral and saying goodbye isn’t the end of the pain. March the 5th was my 31st birthday. Last year mum was there, this year she wasn’t. Its the things like that, that make the loss difficult to swallow.
Luckily, my family don’t read my blog, so I can say that my mum wasn’t perfect. In the last 10 years of her life, she and I clashed over several issues. Some of which, she got my family involved in and they remain somewhat unresolved to this day. They probably never will be resolved because my family doesn’t want to talk about the issues or states that I “won’t talk to them”?!
It’s sad that the one of the main things I think of when I think of my relationship with my mum, is what is left unsaid. Regardless, this post isn’t to denigrate mum. She always tried hard and she raised two boys on her own, which is amazing.
The reality is I don’t know what this post is for? Probably for me more than anyone else. The loss of a loved one doesn’t just take them from you, in my experience it takes a piece of you with it.
For me, I don’t feel like I’ve ever truly recovered from the anger of mums death. As I write this, I’ve gotten choked up and tearie eyed. I don’t think the pain ever goes, you just learn to live with it.
When I first started this blog, it was to document my journey through fitness. When I got bored of the “I did this many reps today” theme, I changed it and until August 2016 I had such a clear vision of where I wanted to go.
The funniest thing about this recent malaise of mine, is finding out the there are people hoping I’ll write again (hey Kerry and hey Bonnie – if you guys are reading thank you for supporting the blog). 7 months ago finding out that I had a regular reader (let along 2) would have left me ecstatic, now I want to continue for them, but not sure how.
Maybe this post will wash away the cobwebs of my writing, maybe it will help me get back to where I wanted to go… At the moment, I have no idea what to do with this blog.
Either way, if you’ve read this or any of my other posts, I want to thank you. The blog was set up for me, with the hope someone – anyone would find it interesting. So, you are awesome!
I had my wife proofread this post and she said that my first ending was shit (because it was too abrupt). Please forgive me if it is! I really don’t know how to end this post. Other than to say thank you for reading and I’m back…
Carpe Diem Guys